I am Sam's inability to communicate

sitting at the dest again. breathing in smoke and drinking from glass. there is a party down the road and the only purpose in going is to flash fake smiles and get cheap laughs from people you know. they aren't friends becuase people aren't capable of being friendly but they are just people that you know and that is why you will go after you are too drunk to care. the alcohol makes things manageable and thats why you pour it down your throat. you love laura but there is no way to show it or convince her of it because you're heart died out and has been gone for quite some time. all that is left is rage and self destruction. i hate my life and the things i do and i do them to try and forget the things that i want and can not have. life is a joke and the only calm welcomed in is that i will die alone because nobody will ever top the girl that i love/loved. all that is left is settling for some one of lesser value and then living that poor life till death..sigh

its been awhile since i had someone to talk to about issues in my head. so at this moment the online journal seems like the best option to see my thoughts laid out before me. the pressing matter as always is a subject of relations with those around me. i suppose the biggest one that concerns me at the moment would be that laura, my ex-girlfriend of a year had sexual relations with what used to be my best friend and roommate zack. this all was brought to my attention by chelsea who i am sure is desperate for my love and attention and will never be the recipient of either. the only details i have to run in my head will be that they had sex twice and on seperate dates. this would explain the withdrawl that i have experienced from zack and most surprisingly its the deception from laura that i have endured. i wonder if i have hurt people as i am hurt now through the people that i have slept with. maybe i have but either way i seem to put blinders on so harshly that i never see these things till they are placed firmly before my eyes. professor hawley was right. i must focus on the next step. focus